Ex-ample of What a Good Life ISN’T

I asked a friend what he would do, if he wanted a good life. What action would he take that would improve his life? My friend answered without hesitation, “I would kill my ex-girlfriend.”

Of course, my friend was being funny. He thought he was being funny any way. But there’s something to what he said. My friend decided, a few years ago, that he wanted to have children. Especially a son. Not for the usual reasons, whatever they are. He wanted a son so he could name him after his brother, who died in a car accident.

The problem is that my friend wasn’t careful about who he chose to start having children with.

My friend, we will call him “John” so I don’t have to keep saying “my friend”, saw a woman who was nice to look at, seemed willing, and stirred his passion. John began his family with this woman. Now he has two children with her. He knew that she had already given one child away, enjoyed using recreational drugs, and stripped for a living. John didn’t care. He wanted children.

Now he has been arrested on frivolous counts, has phone calls at all hours, and has the children dropped off at his house because the mother can’t stand them anymore.

John actually likes that the mother drops the children off so much because he loves having his kids. In fact, he would try for full custody if only he hadn’t been arrested, and was now on parole. Where John lives, the fact that he is on parole would springboard the children into the system. So he watches helplessly as his children are raised by a mother who has had several forced urinalyses, without one clean one. She is paranoid, so John has to teach his children not to be afraid of everything. When John takes the children to his mother’s house, they do what they can to help the children learn manners and kindness.

Then the kids go back home to anger.

John doesn’t really want to kill his ex. What he wishes is that he had used wisdom in choosing his mate in the first place. He has said so.

What John hasn’t learned yet is that a person can have a good life—and live alone.

He still feels he needs someone in his life in order to be happy. But if a person is going to have an intimate relationship with another person in their life, they need to stand back and look at the relationship as dispassionately as possible before taking any permanent steps. Perhaps even ask a close friend what they think. John’s mom tried to advise John, without putting anyone down, but a son often doesn’t hear what a mother says in matters like that. It’s the dynamics of the mother-son relationship.

I guess the bottom line is: for a good life, be happy with yourself first. Then, when you do choose a mate, you will choose someone who will be right for you, and good to the children that might come along.